.......surprise!When you harass a boy, pull his pants down and your skirt up, because you can run faster with your skirt up than he with his pants down.
--------------------------------------------------------
Do you think I can live for another fourty years? ... Do you drink? ... No! ... Do you smoke? ... No! ... Do you visit the whores? ... No! ....... Why do you want to live another fourty years?
--------------------------------------------------------
A typical macho man married a typical good-looking lady and, after the wedding, laid down the following rules: "I'll be home when I want, if I want, and at what time I want, and I don't expect any hassle from you. I expect a great dinner to be on the table unless I tell you otherwise. I'll go hunting, fishing, boozing, and card playing when I want with my old buddies and don't you give me a hard time about it. Those are my rules. Any comments?" His new bride said, "No, that's fine with me. Just understand that there'll be sex here at seven o'clock every night, whether you're here or not".
-------------------------------------------------------
A man walks into a doctor's surgery, with a cucumber up his nose, a carrot in his left ear and a banana in his right ear. “What’s the matter with me?” he asked. “You’re not eating properly”, replied the doctor.
-------------------------------------------------------
THINGS I LEARNED FROM THE MOVIES
Large, loft-style apartments in New York City are well within the price range of most people--
whether they are employed or not. At least one of a pair of identical twins is born evil.
Should you decide to defuse a bomb, don't worry which wire to cut. You will always choose the right one.
It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a fight involving martial arts: your enemies will wait patiently to attack you one by one by dancing around in a threatening manner until you have knocked out their predecessors.
When you turn out the light to go to bed, everything in your bedroom will still be clearly visible, just slightly bluish.
If you are blonde and pretty, it is possible to become a world expert on nuclear fission at the age of 22.
Honest and hard working policemen are traditionally gunned down three days before their retirement.
Once applied, lipstick will never rub off -- even while scuba diving.
Should you wish to pass yourself off as a German or Russian officer, it will not be necessary to speak the language. A German or Russian accent will do.
The Eiffel Tower can be seen from any window in Paris.
A man will show no pain while taking the most ferocious beating, but will wince when a woman tries to clean his wounds.
If a large pane of glass is visible, someone will be thrown through it before long.
If staying in a haunted house, women should investigate any strange noises in their most revealing underwear.
Word processors never display a cursor on screen but will always say: Enter Password Now.
Even when driving down a perfectly straight road, it is necessary to turn the steering wheel vigorously from left to right every few moments.
All bombs are fitted with electronic timing devices with large red readouts so you know exactly when they're going to go off.
A detective can only solve a case once he has been suspended from duty.
If you decide to start dancing in the street, everyone you meet will know all the steps.
When they are alone, all foreign military officers prefer to speak to each other in English.
------------------------------------------------------
Idiot In The Desert
-An idiot was stranded in the desert. As he walking along he found a lamp. The idiot rubbed the lamp and to his surprise, a Genie came out.
The Genie said he would grant the idiot two wishes.
The idiot thought what his first wish should be. He was very thirsty so he said
"For my first wish I want a pint of beer that will keep filling itself back up!"
So the Genie gave him a pint of beer, the man drank and it filled itself back up. The man thought this was great.
"And your second wish?" asked the Genie
"I'll have another one of those please!" said the idiot.
-----------------------------------------------------
Neighbour Joke
-A man is watching a football game, and his wife is in the shower.
The doorbell rings, the man, who is too into the game, tells his wife to go answer the door.
She answers the door wearing only a towel. Its her neighbour Joe. She asks him what he wants. Seeing the woman in just a towel, he says, "If you drop down your towel to your waist, I will give you $500." The woman, who figured she would be getting $500 for free, agrees and drops down her towel. Then, Joe says, "If you drop the towel down completely, I will give you another $500" The woman drops her towel down completely. He gives her the $500 and leaves.
The husband watching the football game asks the wife who was at the door. She replies, "It was just our neighbour, Joe."
The husband says, "Did he say anything about the $1000 dollars he owes me?"
-----------------------------------------------------
Wish Cave
-An Englishman, Scotsman and Irishman were on a hike and they found a cave. There was a sign outside the cave that said 'Anyone who enters this cave can have whatever they want inside it as long as they stay here for five years'
So, the Englishman goes in and wishes for naked ladies, five years later, he comes out with lots of babies!
The Scotsman goes in and wishes for beer, and five years later he comes out drunk!
The Irishman goes in and wishes for cigarettes. Five years later he comes out and says 'Anyone got a lighter?'!
-----------------------------------------------------
Bad Broccoli
-A young and beautiful woman gets into the elevator, smelling like expensive perfume. She turns to an old woman in the corner and says arrogantly, "Giorgio Beverly Hills, £100 an ounce!"
Another young and beautiful woman gets on the elevator and also smells of very expensive perfume. She arrogantly turns to the old woman and says, "Chanel No. 5, £150 an ounce!"
About three floors later, the old woman has reached her destination and is about to get off the elevator. Before she leaves, looks both beautiful women in the eye, turns and squeezes out a fart......"Broccoli - 49 pence a pound!"
-----------------------------------------------------
Misconceptions
-A dad was driving his son home from school one day and a policeman starts following them,"oh,Shit!" the dad says.
"What does 'shit' mean dad?" his son says.
"Oh...erm...its another word for policeman". The dad and his kid arrive home and he sees that his mum is carving a turkey, "Fuck!" says the mum.
"What does 'fuck' mean?"
"Oh its another word for carve" says the mum.
The kid goes upstairs and sees that his dad is shaving. "Bollocks!"says the dad.
"What does 'bollocks' mean?"says the kid.
"Oh, its another word for chin" the dad says.
The policeman followed him home and knocked on the door and the kid answers. He says "Hello you shit. My mums fucking a turkey and my dad is shaving his bollocks."
-----------------------------------------------------
The Son Who Did Good
-One day four guys went to go play golf. One man went to get tickets so they could get in the park, the other three started talking about their sons. The first man says "My son is doing great, he bought his girlfriend two brand new cars."
The second man says "My son is also doing good, he bought his girlfriend an all she can eat coupon to any restaurant she wants."
The third man says "My son is doing good too, he gave his girlfriend a free shopping spree to any mall she wants."
Then the fourth man returns. One man then asks "How is your son doing?"
He replied "Sorry my son doesnt like girls but he must be doing something good because his partners have recently given him two new cars, an all you can eat coupon and a free shopping spree to any mall he wants."
----------------------------------------------------
You Know It's A Bad Day When...-17 ways you can tell it's going to be a rotten day:
1. You wake face down on the footpath.
2. You put your bra on backwards, and it fits better.
3. You call Suicide Prevention, and they put you on hold.
4. You see a '60 minutes' team waiting in your ofice.
5. Your birthday cake collapses from the weight of the candles.
6. You want to put on clothes you wore home from the party, and there aren't any.
7. You put on the news, and they're showing emergency routes out of the city.
8. Your twin forgot your birthday.
9. The car horn goes off accidentally, and remains stuck while you're following a group of Hell's Angels.
10. The boss tells you not to bother taking off your coat.
11. The bird singing outside your window is a vulture.
12. You walk to work and then find your dress is stuck in the back of your pantyhose (even more embarrasing if you're a woman!).
13. You call your answering sevice, and they tell you it's none of your business.
14. Your blind date turns out to be your wife.
15. Your Income Tax cheque bounces.
16. You put both contact lenses in the same eye.
17. Your wife says 'Good morning Bill' ...and your name is Frank.
--------------------------------------------------------
Do you think I can live for another fourty years? ... Do you drink? ... No! ... Do you smoke? ... No! ... Do you visit the whores? ... No! ....... Why do you want to live another fourty years?
--------------------------------------------------------
A typical macho man married a typical good-looking lady and, after the wedding, laid down the following rules: "I'll be home when I want, if I want, and at what time I want, and I don't expect any hassle from you. I expect a great dinner to be on the table unless I tell you otherwise. I'll go hunting, fishing, boozing, and card playing when I want with my old buddies and don't you give me a hard time about it. Those are my rules. Any comments?" His new bride said, "No, that's fine with me. Just understand that there'll be sex here at seven o'clock every night, whether you're here or not".
-------------------------------------------------------
A man walks into a doctor's surgery, with a cucumber up his nose, a carrot in his left ear and a banana in his right ear. “What’s the matter with me?” he asked. “You’re not eating properly”, replied the doctor.
-------------------------------------------------------
THINGS I LEARNED FROM THE MOVIES
Large, loft-style apartments in New York City are well within the price range of most people--
whether they are employed or not. At least one of a pair of identical twins is born evil.
Should you decide to defuse a bomb, don't worry which wire to cut. You will always choose the right one.
It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a fight involving martial arts: your enemies will wait patiently to attack you one by one by dancing around in a threatening manner until you have knocked out their predecessors.
When you turn out the light to go to bed, everything in your bedroom will still be clearly visible, just slightly bluish.
If you are blonde and pretty, it is possible to become a world expert on nuclear fission at the age of 22.
Honest and hard working policemen are traditionally gunned down three days before their retirement.
Once applied, lipstick will never rub off -- even while scuba diving.
Should you wish to pass yourself off as a German or Russian officer, it will not be necessary to speak the language. A German or Russian accent will do.
The Eiffel Tower can be seen from any window in Paris.
A man will show no pain while taking the most ferocious beating, but will wince when a woman tries to clean his wounds.
If a large pane of glass is visible, someone will be thrown through it before long.
If staying in a haunted house, women should investigate any strange noises in their most revealing underwear.
Word processors never display a cursor on screen but will always say: Enter Password Now.
Even when driving down a perfectly straight road, it is necessary to turn the steering wheel vigorously from left to right every few moments.
All bombs are fitted with electronic timing devices with large red readouts so you know exactly when they're going to go off.
A detective can only solve a case once he has been suspended from duty.
If you decide to start dancing in the street, everyone you meet will know all the steps.
When they are alone, all foreign military officers prefer to speak to each other in English.
------------------------------------------------------
Idiot In The Desert
-An idiot was stranded in the desert. As he walking along he found a lamp. The idiot rubbed the lamp and to his surprise, a Genie came out.
The Genie said he would grant the idiot two wishes.
The idiot thought what his first wish should be. He was very thirsty so he said
"For my first wish I want a pint of beer that will keep filling itself back up!"
So the Genie gave him a pint of beer, the man drank and it filled itself back up. The man thought this was great.
"And your second wish?" asked the Genie
"I'll have another one of those please!" said the idiot.
-----------------------------------------------------
Neighbour Joke
-A man is watching a football game, and his wife is in the shower.
The doorbell rings, the man, who is too into the game, tells his wife to go answer the door.
She answers the door wearing only a towel. Its her neighbour Joe. She asks him what he wants. Seeing the woman in just a towel, he says, "If you drop down your towel to your waist, I will give you $500." The woman, who figured she would be getting $500 for free, agrees and drops down her towel. Then, Joe says, "If you drop the towel down completely, I will give you another $500" The woman drops her towel down completely. He gives her the $500 and leaves.
The husband watching the football game asks the wife who was at the door. She replies, "It was just our neighbour, Joe."
The husband says, "Did he say anything about the $1000 dollars he owes me?"
-----------------------------------------------------
Wish Cave
-An Englishman, Scotsman and Irishman were on a hike and they found a cave. There was a sign outside the cave that said 'Anyone who enters this cave can have whatever they want inside it as long as they stay here for five years'
So, the Englishman goes in and wishes for naked ladies, five years later, he comes out with lots of babies!
The Scotsman goes in and wishes for beer, and five years later he comes out drunk!
The Irishman goes in and wishes for cigarettes. Five years later he comes out and says 'Anyone got a lighter?'!
-----------------------------------------------------
Bad Broccoli
-A young and beautiful woman gets into the elevator, smelling like expensive perfume. She turns to an old woman in the corner and says arrogantly, "Giorgio Beverly Hills, £100 an ounce!"
Another young and beautiful woman gets on the elevator and also smells of very expensive perfume. She arrogantly turns to the old woman and says, "Chanel No. 5, £150 an ounce!"
About three floors later, the old woman has reached her destination and is about to get off the elevator. Before she leaves, looks both beautiful women in the eye, turns and squeezes out a fart......"Broccoli - 49 pence a pound!"
-----------------------------------------------------
Misconceptions
-A dad was driving his son home from school one day and a policeman starts following them,"oh,Shit!" the dad says.
"What does 'shit' mean dad?" his son says.
"Oh...erm...its another word for policeman". The dad and his kid arrive home and he sees that his mum is carving a turkey, "Fuck!" says the mum.
"What does 'fuck' mean?"
"Oh its another word for carve" says the mum.
The kid goes upstairs and sees that his dad is shaving. "Bollocks!"says the dad.
"What does 'bollocks' mean?"says the kid.
"Oh, its another word for chin" the dad says.
The policeman followed him home and knocked on the door and the kid answers. He says "Hello you shit. My mums fucking a turkey and my dad is shaving his bollocks."
-----------------------------------------------------
The Son Who Did Good
-One day four guys went to go play golf. One man went to get tickets so they could get in the park, the other three started talking about their sons. The first man says "My son is doing great, he bought his girlfriend two brand new cars."
The second man says "My son is also doing good, he bought his girlfriend an all she can eat coupon to any restaurant she wants."
The third man says "My son is doing good too, he gave his girlfriend a free shopping spree to any mall she wants."
Then the fourth man returns. One man then asks "How is your son doing?"
He replied "Sorry my son doesnt like girls but he must be doing something good because his partners have recently given him two new cars, an all you can eat coupon and a free shopping spree to any mall he wants."
----------------------------------------------------
You Know It's A Bad Day When...-17 ways you can tell it's going to be a rotten day:
1. You wake face down on the footpath.
2. You put your bra on backwards, and it fits better.
3. You call Suicide Prevention, and they put you on hold.
4. You see a '60 minutes' team waiting in your ofice.
5. Your birthday cake collapses from the weight of the candles.
6. You want to put on clothes you wore home from the party, and there aren't any.
7. You put on the news, and they're showing emergency routes out of the city.
8. Your twin forgot your birthday.
9. The car horn goes off accidentally, and remains stuck while you're following a group of Hell's Angels.
10. The boss tells you not to bother taking off your coat.
11. The bird singing outside your window is a vulture.
12. You walk to work and then find your dress is stuck in the back of your pantyhose (even more embarrasing if you're a woman!).
13. You call your answering sevice, and they tell you it's none of your business.
14. Your blind date turns out to be your wife.
15. Your Income Tax cheque bounces.
16. You put both contact lenses in the same eye.
17. Your wife says 'Good morning Bill' ...and your name is Frank.
No comments:
Post a Comment